i'm not exactly sure what i'm doing at the moment. i feel free because i've started a new blog. i wanted to start fresh. away from all those silly blogs i created before. i'll probably change the title of this blog as well. i want to steer away from the "mis" series of blogs i began so many years ago.
i'm starting to feel like my life is in slowly coming back to me. it kind of feels like that funny tingling sensation after a body part starts to wake up. it's can be painful and slow to wake up, but after enough massage and tenderness you're sleepy body part will awake once more to be a useful and productive part of your body. you will walk without a limp or hold your book up with both arms...speak without a lisp, though i've never known my tongue to go...well, actually yes i have, but we won't go into that now.
i think what i need to stop doing is worrying about what i'm going to do or write and just do it. just write. do what i used to do and just write. who gives a shit what i say? who fucking cares? no one reads this crap anyway and even if they did i really wouldn't care. i used to write with complete and utter careless abandon because i didn't care what ANYONE thought EVER. i loved that life. granted, i was also slightly out of my gore, but i loved it.
my life was so full of color and wonder and agony. but all that bitterness and resentment has sort of taken a backseat to this drab new little life i seem to have carved out for myself. rigid is now with the national guard. because of it he finally got his citizenship and he even has a job. okay, so they're not actually giving him much work and i'm pretty much still the primary breadwinner, but i'm enjoying my life a lot more. i'm bored a lot, but i'm happily bored. nowadays if i'm screaming at the top of my lungs it's just because i have nothing better to do. i feel like i have to clear the cobwebs out of my lungs sometimes. i allow myself to get stupidly angry. i allow my PMS to flourish.
i don't see anything wrong with that. perfectly natural. life, though, is actually boring. so boring i've taken up golf. yes, golf. it's kind of sad actually. it makes me feel like...old. i'm only going to be 37. still, i feel like a 37 year old going on 44. that can't be good can it?
what i'm trying to do now is concentrate on getting my life in order. setting quiet little goals in my mind to accomplish. paint, crochet, clean house, have orgasms, play golf, go bowling, learn to snorkel again. one of the biggest things on my life is fix my echo. i let it sit broken down for just over a year. that car is the reason why it took rigid a year to finally get a drivers license. it's a long story, but he's got his license now and he's insured. this past year we've made progress in leaps and bounds. now if only i can get him through his police training in one piece.
yeah, he applied for the LAPD and passed the essays with an 85%. the background check is next and after than a psych evaluation. if all goes as planned he'll begin training in august this year. if we're lucky he won't deploy next year either. my entire life revolves around my husband. i hope he never has to leave me. but i can't be that naive. i know he has a duty to himself and his country. omg...this is his country now. so weird!
well, i have tons more to write, but i'm so tired now. i'm actually kind of glad i called this blog misconfide. it makes no sense and i know the word doesn't actually exist, but it feels like it's going to fit.
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